By: Ariel Fixler
Loving me means letting me go. At this moment in time that is the most authentic way I can describe how I feel. One of the most compassionate, realistic, soothing melodies and lyrics came from the song “Let Her Go” by the band Passenger. It speaks to me on many “life-like levels”.
What am I insinuating here? There may come a time when you do not want to fight anymore. Think of chronic and terminal illness as an abusive relationship where you just don’t want to fight the demons and physical abuse anymore. You are scared, scarred and you are angry.
Most people hold onto life while they are in chronic pain. The same brutal pain that is breaking them in many ways. WHY? Well to be frank, they are not holding on for themselves. They are fighting not for themselves, but for other people’s love, respect and belief in them. They want to be that fighter, that survivor, that warrior for them.
They want to be loved and respected by everyone in their support system. No matter what your age, everyone wants to be a crusader of courage and make others proud to know them. They want to be associated with positivity.
They want to set an example that will make people proud to know them. Many think fighting or pushing through the pain will make them a hero, a fighter (even when that is never want they desired to be). They don’t want to be a leader and well-liked anymore. They do not want to be in denial. Their point of illumination comes by informing others they no longer want to live a life that is pure pain. Guess what? They want to be honest and vocal about it and not be ashamed by these feelings and internal turmoil.
They are holding on for their support systems in order not to disappoint them. Is that fair or just placing their doubts and guilt onto them? Transferring the energy while transmitting the pain and blame.
How do they accomplish that? By holding on even when they are losing their grip on life. By holding on even when their “fighting” spirit is shaky and subdued. In their opinion, they are not living a life worth living, yet they also fear letting go, letting people down and death itself. Only they can determine their quality of life. Their fears outweigh their reality and beliefs. They are confused about the meaning of their life.
Their acceptance of themselves and their condition might not be in alignment with their support system and family’s views. You do not have to prove yourself one bit. You do not have to prove your assertions and feelings to ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. This moment, this choice, is finally FOR YOU.
They are physically existing but shouldn’t their years be quality over quantity? Life often feels like a competition. Everyone is playing the one-upmanship game. “My life is better than yours” is a common theme on and offline don’t you think? How many years you lived and how much you have accomplished is a common theme. They need someone to tell them IT’S OK TO LET GO and free themselves of this lifelong competitive spirit.
What’s scarier continuing on with your life in such deep emotional and physical pain? Or sticking it out? That may cause resentment. Or is it more soothing and realistic to try letting go and letting yourself roam free. The irony is that you may be finally living in the process of releasing your burdens and pain.
They don’t want to live a life looking in from the outside. Vocalizing their emotions and fears does not make them weak. Letting go allows them to imbue the bravery they always wanted for themselves. The “C” in their character stands for COURAGE.
You need to make sure you are holding on for YOU and not ANYONE ELSE. You may have spent your whole life trying to please others and forgetting about your own wants and needs. You think catering to others was your badge of courage and character. IT IS NOT. The subservient cycle can be broken. Maybe this is the time you stop being selfish and start being selfless. You no longer need to give into the pressures that are causing pain and resistance. This may be the time you put your desires first. You can give into to the disease, the mind and body altering pain medication and their side effects. You can allow your decline instead of fighting a losing battle. You can still be brave. That choice alone is incredibly courageous.
Your life is like a magnetic force. What do I mean by this scientific assessment? Only certain pairing of ions can come together to bond and build strength and create functionality. If you pair together the wrong ions (ones that do not complement one another) they create friction instead of cohesive connectivity. That is what chronic and terminal illness feels like. It feels like you are constantly pairing together the wrong ions, creating a push and pull effect that feels forced and harrowed. That pushing ultimately creates more pain and frustration. You are pushing to create a match, a fit and a normal ionic energy space for yourself in the tough world. You can’t force that connection and are therefore left feeling pain. Much like a relationship, friendship or job that doesn’t really feel right anymore, you just have to accept it, release it and move forward.
You need to let go of the ill-fitting forces in your life. The pieces of the puzzle that no longer fit together. A puzzle that used to take mere minutes to finish now takes days, weeks or months. So instead of forcing something that doesn’t work, maybe it is better to let go. You can hope to find the right energy in the afterlife and afterglow.
You should know part of letting go of your pain, your life, your fight, means finally losing your grip on the control button. You have to have faith the people you love will mourn you in the way that best suits them. You have to hope you won’t be a topic to be mourned and thought of for a fleeting moment, day or week after your passing (like a trending topic). You have to hope you will be a memory to be treasured and revisited.
Facebook now allows you to designate someone who can be in charge of your social presence after your passing. Think about that new designation, in a way social media is helping you start the process of letting go and at the same time creating your future footprint even after you pass.
The song that inspired this post is below: